I always enjoy reading political candidates' websites. They're always so irredeemably cringeworthy. I will therefore be running a little series of reviews of them, which will have fair and balanced scores at the end.
Mitt Romney's site has a rolling banner of headlines related to Mitt. One headline reads, "In case you missed it: Governor Romney gets first newspaper endorsement in Florida." I don't understand this. Is this an ironic acknowledgement that no one cares whether some newspaper read by perma-tanned retirees in Florida endorsed Romney? Or, perhaps, that not every American rushes to their local news-stand to buy the New Smyrna Beach Observer? Either way, this is daft.
Ham-fisted attempts at spin are in evidence elsewhere on the site. Mitt sez the universal health plan for Massachusetts was "a private, market-based reform that ensures every Massachusetts citizen will have health insurance, without a government takeover and without raising taxes." Why pretend this was a conservative policy? Health coverage for everyone is a no-brainer, and without government intervention you aren't going to get it in your crazy insurance system. Legally-mandated insurance is essentially a tax, because if you don't buy it you get a tax penalty.
It's quite hi-tech, though. There is a Mitttube, upon which you can watch the great man respond to the pressing questions of the day. This, it transpires, is problematic. In keeping with the tenor of his website, Mitt looks like a car salesman. I keep thinking he'll ask me to sit in him and take him out for a test drive. His hair is extraordinary. It is clearly possessed with supernatural powers. Perhaps it is the seat of his brain? His face is all tanned and lantern-jawed. He stands in front of an American flag and hay bales, but the down-home effect is ruined by garish FoxNews lighting.
In response to the inevitable fundamentalist fidgety obsessiveness about abortion, Mitt says he changed his mind because of the debate about cloning. If this is true, he is an idiot. Why would Dolly the sheep make him worry about abortion? Ah, I see, it is because his mousey small-town audience is terrified that mad scientists at MIT (hmm!) are trying to farm babies! "Cloning for the purposes of finding new stem cells, or something known as embryo farming" means that we had "so cheapened the value of life" that people would do anything. Abortion, Mitt suggests, is the root cause of our modern Dr-Mengele bloodlust.
On gay marriage, Romney says "John Adams wrote our constitution" and that he "would be surprised" by it. Like everything with Romney, this is poorly thought through. I think John Adams would be surprised by a lot of things, like the abolition of slavery, women having the vote, Senator Brownback, aeroplanes, Internet porn, and Ricky Martin. That's not to say he wouldn't like these things. But as historians dismissively protest, this is all counterfactual. Romney wants a constitutional amendment to stop men from having a state-sanctioned relationship, moving in together, bickering more, and having less sex with each other. This is the wrong policy. If he hates gay sex, marriage is the best way to stop it.
Right, I'm off to play football. My baby niece can serve as a goalpost.
4/10
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2 comments:
Mitt is a big dork. I think anyone who yearns to live in the 18th century should not be allowed to ride in cars, take antibiotics, use any electrical appliance, or drink water from the tap. That's right Mitt, you want to live like John Adams? Here's a nice glass of Charles River water for you. MMMMM, refrescando!
Cool. Will you do creepy anti-abortion candidate Ron Paul next? A pink-faced Republican male OB/GYN Texan who swaddles fetuses in the Constitution, Ron Paul's got it all.
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